Case Study: Vanessa
From Spinning Out → Centered and In Control
Where We Started
When we began, Vanessa described their life and emotions as "whirlwinds." They were constantly overwhelmed and anxious, unable to follow through on what they wanted.
They were finishing a three-year Traditional Chinese Medicine program, but kept avoiding the board exams that would have allowed them to practice the profession they’d studied for.
Worse, they were almost addictively attached to destructive friendships with people that and left them feeling gaslit, undervalued, and stuck in drama they hated. This kept them stuck in other addictions to soothe the pain, and like an outsider everywhere.
"I have a lot to give," they told me, "but I don't feel like I can receive."
They grew up in a chaotic family system, and learned at a young age that their feelings weren't welcome, and they needed to manage other people's emotions to stay safe.
In adult life, they felt stuck in this pattern, and compulsively stuffed their wants and boundaries — but it did not seem to keep them safe. Instead, it made them a match for relationships with people that mirrored their own dismissal of their emotions, and where Vanessa gave everything and received nothing.
The Work We Did
First session, I noticed Vanessa kept bouncing up out of their body whenever any difficult feelings came close to surfacing. They were constantly anxious and distressed, but never really feeling the emotions beneath the surface. We sat with that tension for maybe ten seconds and they dropped in. "I feel present for the first time," they said.
Their pattern was: they’d feel something uncomfortable, distract themself with busyness, worry, or helping others in order to escape the discomfort (while not getting anything done for themself).
They'd been living by a few big, painful stories designed to keep them from brushing up on old wounds that felt too hot to touch:
That emotions were "self-indulgent,"
That they had to make themselves small to be acceptable
A big thread was a toxic friendship that played out all their patterns — a one-sided relationship, Vanessa giving everything, getting nothing.
While substances were their numbing strategy of choice, the real thing they had to get sober from was the archetypal energy they were compulsively playing out in this relationship: The Martyr. The one who gives all of themselves, but can’t receive.
The real shift away from Martyrdom came when we began to heal their relationship to anger. Vanessa learned at a young age that anger was very dangerous, so they shut theirs off. But without a good relationship to anger, they lost the ability to say NO with any gravity.
Without the safety and self-determination of their NO, they couldn't really say YES either. It was too vulnerable to truly let people in when they didn’t have the means to assert or defend themself.
So, because they couldn't hold boundaries, they couldn't get their needs met.
We began to do movement work to access their anger. When they let the anger actually move through their body without inhibition, their protective power came online. They felt for the first time that anger wasn't destructive, it was their drive to say “no” and stop abandoning themselves.
Once they embodied this, new people quickly showed up in their life that were effortlessly loving and generous to Vanessa. Literally within a couple weeks.
Movement work also revealed why they couldn't study for their board exams.
There was old family pain wound up in the act of studying itself — a parent had used homework as a way to control them, and failing had become Vanessa's only way of embodying NO.
Once we felt through those old feelings, the mythology dissolved. "I'm literally excited for boards," they told me.
How Things Changed
Six months later, Vanessa had shifted their internal relationship to core archetypes and healed generational relationships to their parents — and their external life reflected it:
Giving/Receiving: They learned to receive. Attracted many new friendships that are mutual and generous.
YES/NO: Befriending their anger gave them access to real boundaries. This actually brought them closer to family and friends.
Victim/Agent: By feeling their feelings fully and letting those feelings complete — rather than dissociating from reality and what they were afraid was true — they stopped being a match for the victim role.
Avoidance/Follow-through: From struggling to open a textbook to passing board exams.
Physical shifts: Back pain, stomach pain, nightmares—cleared once the repressed emotions moved through.
Exit interview: "I feel more in control now. I know what I want. I feel able to say no. I'm not victim to my past or the things happening now."
________
Vanessa's patterns—people-pleasing, dissociation, avoidance—were held in place by unfelt feelings and the stories designed to protect them. Once those feelings were felt all the way through, the painful patterns of those stories lost their grip, and they began to embody new ways of being in their life.
Their natural capacity for boundaries, connection, and follow-through emerged. And with that, they naturally created the real friendships, loving family connections, and accomplishments they’d wanted.